coffee stains

Now that we have made amends, it's like getting to know you all over again. A mysterious stranger that swept me and countless others off our feet. How cliché.

It's in my blood, running through my veins. I feel it coursing through my entire being. They say it could temporarily rid me of my worries...a momentary fix for the happiness i crave. Surely they jest for it has magnified my pain tenfold, beckoning my other self, bringing forth feelings I've been desperately trying to conceal all this time.

My heart feels like it's no longer there. Obliterated by your tactless mind. Your smile and your gaze my kryptonite. My proud demeanor you have dragged ruthlessly to the mud. I was completely fooled into thinking that we could be together nothing but the machinations of sheer want.

Have you ever felt too mesmerized to move, to make a decision, to just walk away? There are times when we are drawn to something. The attachment is inexplicable yet you just cannot rid your system of this fixation. The signs say it all , you thought foolishly to yourself. You tried to avoid it but the distinct connection just latched on to your memory. you actually saw it coming,and now the truth stares back at you, mocking you. you have not been blind, you were justtoo caught up in the drama.

I always get caught between extremes. Contradicting forces that play with my emotions. Conflicting mind-trips that get me through the day. You can love one and hate him the next. Whatever their flaws may be, one complements what the other lacks. Who do i prefer again?

Looking back, i get butterflies in my tummy thinking how 2006 just went by so rapidly. Every moment awaken in my memory, pulling me in different dirrections, fierce, melancholy and at the same time happy. There were so many chances wasted because of silly nothings. Beginnings that eventually faded to nothingness though the diversion and excitement were worth the while.

“It’s all about taking risks! You can't have your guard up all the time!" Yeah, yeah, yeah. So I’ve been told. I’ve played this game before, you know. So don’t think I don’t get the point. I get it, alright but something or someone always gets in the way. Why would I go on a suicide mission armed only with uncertainty and possibly one-sided affection for him. Bottom line is, I have opened windows and collapsed walls surrounding me. I scuttled to the door to open it but he wasn’t the one standing there. See? Bummer, huh? A girl appreciates being put on a pedestal but it’s no fun just being up there with nothing but the air for company. Oh well, on to the next chapter...

Remember your first heartbreak? That sappy, love-sick song you heard on the radio was telling the truth. You would wonder why the world hasn't stopped revolving, how everything around you was still the same when you feel like absolute crap. Pathetic, i know, but that's the bitter reality.You swore to yourself that you would know better next time but do we ever really learn? You could have your guard up all the time and vow to only let it down when you are positively sure about this person but more often than not, history does repeat itself and you could end up right where you started. It's the choices that we make that change but the situations are mostly the same. It took me more than a year to get over the fact that he's never coming back. He will always be my friend, he is just an e-mail or phone call away but he is living in his own world now (miles away!) so get over it. I did...but it sure wasn't a cakewalk.

Grappled by the intensity of your smile,elated by your entrance and proximity. Reality dawns and my heart sinks,drowning me in the memory of your empty gaze. Am I not the biggest fool of all? Pretending…wishing silently.Ravaged by the blatant truth...ignorance could be sheer bliss...lies my only escape.

Alot of people commented that the movie was weird, not typical hollywood, blah blah blah. EXACTLY! It wouldn't be an M. Night Film if it were your typical suspense/horror slasher/gore-fest flick.I didn't get bored watching this movie and it's refreshing to see something original every once in a while. Even the cinematography had shyamalan's signature all over it. Visit http://www.mnight.com/lady_in_the_water to read more about the film and the writer-director. Your thoughts?

I want to erase you from my consciousness. To my utter frustration, you remain--stubborn as the stains from the coffee we once shared...pesky as your child-like mindtrip.

It was lovely to hear your voice again. It still never fails to soothe me whenever you sing for me--or that's what I want to think. Secretly I wished that the heartfelt words were for me, that I am the one that you loved. Somehow, somewhere I foolishly discerned that this was possible but after all this time I realized...I am just a fall back girl and nothing more.

Latte – mild enough to be comfy with though it could get boring that you need to add a little flavor to it and it doesn’t really keep me awake. Besides, I just hate waiting around for all that milk to steam. Caffe Americano – Strong, potent...I want more yet too much of it could make my heart palpitate with such vehemence. Just thinking about it jolts me back to my senses.

I can feel their eyes on me...watching my every move...ears keen on every bit of the conversation. The fat chick is glaring at me. Something in the way she is studying me from head to foot makes me want to rip out her eyes from their sockets and pull out her unkempt bleached hair from her head. The dude near the gutter is stealing glances. He's probably just passing time like the rest of us who are stuck in this brunchtime traffic. Jaw dropped...hanging on to the discussion I was having with my sibling. Like a spectator at a tennis match who doesn't really get it. I just wish that people would be more discreet when listening to other people's conversations. So this is how it feels to be under a microscope.

My soul longs for him in his absence Yet my heart, the worn-down shelter Remains the docile ally of My mind that mocks me. Scars from two transient seasons haunt me... Possess me with Such fierce recollection Each time I wander to the edge-- Hurling me back to my sedated realm. It turns out, there could be Beauty and Simplicity in oblivion.

Lately, my life has been a blur of a multitude of tasks at work. I'm kept partly sane by a 100 peso worth White Mocha Americano. Call me a caffeine junkie but there's nothing like warm coffee to soothe me and jolt me awake. If there's something else tangible in my life that keeps me from going over the edge, it's a person that I've relied on for emotional support. Unlike the potent coffee I crave for, this person will not give me heart trouble or disrupt my sleep. Or so I thought... Today, I am resisting the urge to take in my usual dose of caffeine for health and financial reasons. At the same time, I'm struggling to exist without him as he has chosen to desert me at a time that I'm needing clarity. Sleep has temporarily left me while he, perhaps, has chosen to answer my questions by allowing me to unravel the obvious on my own. I realized that coffee will never leave me. I have chosen to rid my system of it. I, in turn, have been neglected by this person I...

Do not feel pity. Do not show mercy. Just break me once... Hurt me with one blow. You only get one shot at Ripping my heart out and Trampling on it. When all this is done, You've done your part and Have proven your point. Let me be and Let me heal.

For the past 4-5 months, I've been battling with myself. Trying to put reason behind the seemingly endless cycle of indecipherable emotional affairs. I've gotten so bogged down that the simplest thing that gives me bliss is doubtful, every chance I get, every gesture, no matter how sincere it could possibly be, seem too good to be true. Call me paranoid but it just hurts to think that after all this time, I’m still easily exploited… I’m not really asking for much. I just want confirmation. I can't afford to have false hopes. I don't need to harbor wrong expectations. At the back of my head, I'm thinking...I don't want to be wrong again...Too much energy will be spent decoding stuff when my life is already complicated as it is. I just don’t want to be fixated on the thought of being made whole by something that, for all I know, only exists in my over-active imagination. But on the brighter side, I can only be a buffoon for so long. When I reach my threshold and d...

Why don't you just let him go, April? A friend of mine asked me. Stop hurting yourself. Don't make the same mistakes that I did. I looked at her in disbelief. It was as if she were just asking me to cut down on caffeine or choose between tall or grande. I could tell by the look on her face that she wasn't kidding... Thoughts raced frantically in my head. Let go? Now? How? I could not imagine life without him. Damn! I am not exactly addicted to him like the coffee I gripped firmly in my hand. How do I get over someone who makes me in the main happy yet causes me emotional torment every once in a while? Call me paranoid but there’s no denying that he’s not the same. Why else would I miss him despite his presence? I have this gut feeling that I am this close to being just a speck in his universe. Nevertheless, I’m still aching for a sign that would tell me not to give up just yet. The feeling of uncertainty is driving me insane. I recklessly revealed my feelings without ge...