coffee stains

Circumstances and more pressing priorities always get in the way. We tend to neglect people we care about, sometimes, even ourselves. When things don't go according to plan or get too chickenshit to go after our heart's desire, we try to stay optimistic and shrug it off for another time but a next time isn’t always guaranteed.

If there are worse things than unrequited affections, indifference is surely one of them. Regardless of the motivations behind a person's actions, you'd expect the slightest bit of regard for your feelings if you mattered at all. Your propensity for overthinking could've been useful. Clearly you didn't think about it well enough before exerting so much time and effort. You've spent countless hours wondering where you stood in that person's life. You've been asking the universe for a sign yet didn't expect it to hit you square in the face without warning. 

More often than not, we only have ourselves to blame for our aches and sorrows. When things don't go the way we want them to, we might say that we'll know better next time. We put walls around us but tend to break our own rules for someone. Rejection and disappointment hurt like heck but why do we often end up throwing caution to the wind, willing to go through all of it again in the hopes that things will turn out differently? It's not wrong to keep the faith. There could be times when even reason tells us that there's got to be more to what is being let on. There could be moments when you might just be reading too much into the situation. Perhaps it's only human to yearn for our efforts to be reciprocated but it's only wise to never assume that you're not delusional unless it's explicitly confirmed. It's our accountability to keep our emotions in check and know when to pull back. 

Reality could dawn on you like the the first rays of light peeking over the horizon. A gradual reveal taking its time to unravel. Oftentimes, it hits you like an icy beverage thrown unexpectedly in your face. Either way, they could both yield the same brutal outcome--you're jolted back to your senses once and for all. Harsh realizations could pain you for weeks, months, maybe even longer. On the bright side, that achy feeling in your chest and the knots that form in your stomach when you try to make sense of the circumstances will eventually fade away. 

I thought I'd seen the worst kind of self-destructive behavior. I suppose meeting new people always has its share of life lessons and surprises. No matter how many times we remind ourselves that first impressions and appearances can be deceiving, finding out the truth about a person that you thought you knew well could throw you off completely. 

Life is like a classic game of choose your own adventure wherein every choice we make gives us a different outcome. We could try alternative paths to achieve an alternative ending. Unfortunately, undoing something in the real world is not as easy as shuffling pages and starting over is not at all a luxury.

Coffee's appeal may be partly due to its bitter taste and not to mention its addictive aroma. Her bitterness, on the other hand, smells of nicotine and rot. It probably tastes just as horrendous. She eyes me deviously like a snake hiding treacherously in the sand. She aims to strike where I am most vulnerable. She asks no questions...unapologetic and shows no mercy. At this point, I feel like I have nothing much left to lose. I still have a few things up my sleeve. I refuse to play dirty but i know just how to level the field when i need to. I save my best tricks for last.

I was taken aback by the unexpected invite. I had a few minutes to rack my brain for a decision before the opportunity dissipated into the cold evening. The EDSA traffic bought me some time. My brain tried to weigh the consequences as i stared at the phone i gripped in my hand. A part of me wanted to indulge. A huge chunk of my being was fixated on what i seriously wanted versus what i needed at that moment. There were no certainties, no backing out. For some reason, at the back of my head, i was praying for a way out. A deep breath then i allowed fate to take the lead.