coffee stains

Rejection can feel like a slap in the face no matter how brutally frank or subtle a person puts it across. As painful as the truth may be, the ultimate end in mind will be for the greater good. It may be the remedy to the pointless sleeplessness or to ease the burden of not knowing where you fit in someone’s universe. If there’s nothing to expect, there’s no better time but NOW to face reality and put an end to your misery. You will undoubtedly be freed from your captor in no time. I say indifference is the worst thing you can ever get out of the situation. A person who does not give a f*ck does not have any concern for your feelings. Maybe he’s torn, maybe he does not know what to say or do. Do not dwell on the what-ifs. Do not expect him to have a change of heart. We are only as good as the choices we make. Just move right along and never look back.

The hole he has pierced into my heart isn’t really that big yet the wound is deep and has been fresh for quite some time now. At times he would seem so distant. I would feel as though we are drifting apart. The neglect temporary easing me of the sting of unrequited feelings. I never had the chance to make much of it until it was right in my face. I prefer not to learn the truth first hand. Now that I can taste it, I realize that this is one of those endings that make you wish you could rewrite the plot. Perhaps change the characters and make the ending more agreeable. We never really get to redo our life's stories so we just learn to deal with the outcome of our actions. We get calloused and tend to think we will know better next time. Oh, really now?

Somebody had the weirdest notion that letting him know how i feel would liberate me from the bondage i have set upon myself. That seeing with own eyes that he would remain unmoved will give me the closure that i desired. Instead, I find myself exposed like a gaping wound, more vulnerable than ever. i got my answer--indifference is a thousandfold worse than feelings reciprocated or even rejection.

When I feel their eyes on me, I can almost hear their thoughts. They are probably waiting for me to make a wrong move or do something controversial so they would have something juicy to talk about. They expect me to be predictable, to always go for the obvious choice. They were right about a few things, smelled the gyst of some but they craved to tweak the details for their own enjoyment. They got one of the biggest stories distorted. If there are three versions of that story out there, only one is correct--MINE! This confuses another part of the population because of yet another myth about me. Oh well. They say that you are nobody if you are not talked about. I just hope that the next time you hear something in the grapevine, you will use all logic and reason before deciding who are what to believe in. You might just find yourself in my shoes one of these days.

There is an unmistakable tension between us lately. The force is unseen yet stands in my way like a monstrous, breathing barrier. Could it be paranoia, guilt or my suppressed feelings bursting at the seams? Emotions struggling to be made known... I feel like I've done my part--maybe not enough but I've done as much as my norms would allow. Maybe even a little beyond that. It's really up to him to decipher the signs. What if he has broken the codes but he didn't like what he found out? There is no time to regret things that cannot be undone. I think i have enough sense to know a brush-off when i see one :(

Most people think they’ve got me figured out. They watch my every move, predicting what I would do next… Deciding without thinking what to make out of what they see. They know nothing about me at all. They know nothing about the surreptitious feelings that is causing my despair. He has made it clear that I do not fit anywhere in his life. Toxic as my schedule may be, I’m ready to drop whatever I’m doing just to be with him… To spend a brief moment of mirth simply having the most platonic conversation that can transpire Between two friends of opposite sexes. I bet he knows not how I feel about him. It has probably never crossed his mind. How can he not notice how his smile lights up my face? Our fleeting chitchats... How oblivious can he get? Does he turn a deaf ear or play blind to what he does not want to recognize? I could possibly love him but he doesn’t give a damn now, does he?

The sound of her voice passes through my ear like a low steady hiss. I can almost see her split tongue flicking between her seemingly ceramic teeth. I feel her eyes on me…cold and observant. I dare not make a move nor Make a sound in fear of being attacked if I looked away. I guess that’s how serpents are. They shed skin inaudibly; creep up on you when you least expect it. I’ll watch your back if you watch mine.

"When God closes a door, He opens a window" I'm sure you've heard this before. I'm a firm believer of this and thankful that with all the heartaches I've had in this lifetime so far, He has never shut the door in my face and let me suffocate in my anguish. Getting over a broken heart is never easy but a diversion always comes along, the timing impeccable each time. Besides, there's no point wallowing in sadness, shedding more tears for someone who has chosen to take a different direction or simply does not reciprocate your feelings. What do you reckon? :)

I am at a loss for words. I am taken aback by the revelation...a confirmation to the nagging suspicions, the answer i already saw coming. My stubborn heart would not let me embrace the impossibility of its craving. I can feel my chest tighten as i bite back the tears that threaten to flow. I only have myself to blame for my affliction `cause I always end up breaking my own rules, falling into the same trap again and again.

Now that we have made amends, it's like getting to know you all over again. A mysterious stranger that swept me and countless others off our feet. How cliché.

It's in my blood, running through my veins. I feel it coursing through my entire being. They say it could temporarily rid me of my worries...a momentary fix for the happiness i crave. Surely they jest for it has magnified my pain tenfold, beckoning my other self, bringing forth feelings I've been desperately trying to conceal all this time.

My heart feels like it's no longer there. Obliterated by your tactless mind. Your smile and your gaze my kryptonite. My proud demeanor you have dragged ruthlessly to the mud. I was completely fooled into thinking that we could be together nothing but the machinations of sheer want.

Have you ever felt too mesmerized to move, to make a decision, to just walk away? There are times when we are drawn to something. The attachment is inexplicable yet you just cannot rid your system of this fixation. The signs say it all , you thought foolishly to yourself. You tried to avoid it but the distinct connection just latched on to your memory. you actually saw it coming,and now the truth stares back at you, mocking you. you have not been blind, you were justtoo caught up in the drama.

I always get caught between extremes. Contradicting forces that play with my emotions. Conflicting mind-trips that get me through the day. You can love one and hate him the next. Whatever their flaws may be, one complements what the other lacks. Who do i prefer again?

Looking back, i get butterflies in my tummy thinking how 2006 just went by so rapidly. Every moment awaken in my memory, pulling me in different dirrections, fierce, melancholy and at the same time happy. There were so many chances wasted because of silly nothings. Beginnings that eventually faded to nothingness though the diversion and excitement were worth the while.

“It’s all about taking risks! You can't have your guard up all the time!" Yeah, yeah, yeah. So I’ve been told. I’ve played this game before, you know. So don’t think I don’t get the point. I get it, alright but something or someone always gets in the way. Why would I go on a suicide mission armed only with uncertainty and possibly one-sided affection for him. Bottom line is, I have opened windows and collapsed walls surrounding me. I scuttled to the door to open it but he wasn’t the one standing there. See? Bummer, huh? A girl appreciates being put on a pedestal but it’s no fun just being up there with nothing but the air for company. Oh well, on to the next chapter...

Remember your first heartbreak? That sappy, love-sick song you heard on the radio was telling the truth. You would wonder why the world hasn't stopped revolving, how everything around you was still the same when you feel like absolute crap. Pathetic, i know, but that's the bitter reality.You swore to yourself that you would know better next time but do we ever really learn? You could have your guard up all the time and vow to only let it down when you are positively sure about this person but more often than not, history does repeat itself and you could end up right where you started. It's the choices that we make that change but the situations are mostly the same. It took me more than a year to get over the fact that he's never coming back. He will always be my friend, he is just an e-mail or phone call away but he is living in his own world now (miles away!) so get over it. I did...but it sure wasn't a cakewalk.

Grappled by the intensity of your smile,elated by your entrance and proximity. Reality dawns and my heart sinks,drowning me in the memory of your empty gaze. Am I not the biggest fool of all? Pretending…wishing silently.Ravaged by the blatant truth...ignorance could be sheer bliss...lies my only escape.

Alot of people commented that the movie was weird, not typical hollywood, blah blah blah. EXACTLY! It wouldn't be an M. Night Film if it were your typical suspense/horror slasher/gore-fest flick.I didn't get bored watching this movie and it's refreshing to see something original every once in a while. Even the cinematography had shyamalan's signature all over it. Visit http://www.mnight.com/lady_in_the_water to read more about the film and the writer-director. Your thoughts?

I want to erase you from my consciousness. To my utter frustration, you remain--stubborn as the stains from the coffee we once shared...pesky as your child-like mindtrip.