coffee stains

Most people think they’ve got me figured out. They watch my every move, predicting what I would do next… Deciding without thinking what to make out of what they see. They know nothing about me at all. They know nothing about the surreptitious feelings that is causing my despair. He has made it clear that I do not fit anywhere in his life. Toxic as my schedule may be, I’m ready to drop whatever I’m doing just to be with him… To spend a brief moment of mirth simply having the most platonic conversation that can transpire Between two friends of opposite sexes. I bet he knows not how I feel about him. It has probably never crossed his mind. How can he not notice how his smile lights up my face? Our fleeting chitchats... How oblivious can he get? Does he turn a deaf ear or play blind to what he does not want to recognize? I could possibly love him but he doesn’t give a damn now, does he?

The sound of her voice passes through my ear like a low steady hiss. I can almost see her split tongue flicking between her seemingly ceramic teeth. I feel her eyes on me…cold and observant. I dare not make a move nor Make a sound in fear of being attacked if I looked away. I guess that’s how serpents are. They shed skin inaudibly; creep up on you when you least expect it. I’ll watch your back if you watch mine.

"When God closes a door, He opens a window" I'm sure you've heard this before. I'm a firm believer of this and thankful that with all the heartaches I've had in this lifetime so far, He has never shut the door in my face and let me suffocate in my anguish. Getting over a broken heart is never easy but a diversion always comes along, the timing impeccable each time. Besides, there's no point wallowing in sadness, shedding more tears for someone who has chosen to take a different direction or simply does not reciprocate your feelings. What do you reckon? :)

I am at a loss for words. I am taken aback by the revelation...a confirmation to the nagging suspicions, the answer i already saw coming. My stubborn heart would not let me embrace the impossibility of its craving. I can feel my chest tighten as i bite back the tears that threaten to flow. I only have myself to blame for my affliction `cause I always end up breaking my own rules, falling into the same trap again and again.

Now that we have made amends, it's like getting to know you all over again. A mysterious stranger that swept me and countless others off our feet. How cliché.

It's in my blood, running through my veins. I feel it coursing through my entire being. They say it could temporarily rid me of my worries...a momentary fix for the happiness i crave. Surely they jest for it has magnified my pain tenfold, beckoning my other self, bringing forth feelings I've been desperately trying to conceal all this time.

My heart feels like it's no longer there. Obliterated by your tactless mind. Your smile and your gaze my kryptonite. My proud demeanor you have dragged ruthlessly to the mud. I was completely fooled into thinking that we could be together nothing but the machinations of sheer want.

Have you ever felt too mesmerized to move, to make a decision, to just walk away? There are times when we are drawn to something. The attachment is inexplicable yet you just cannot rid your system of this fixation. The signs say it all , you thought foolishly to yourself. You tried to avoid it but the distinct connection just latched on to your memory. you actually saw it coming,and now the truth stares back at you, mocking you. you have not been blind, you were justtoo caught up in the drama.

I always get caught between extremes. Contradicting forces that play with my emotions. Conflicting mind-trips that get me through the day. You can love one and hate him the next. Whatever their flaws may be, one complements what the other lacks. Who do i prefer again?

Looking back, i get butterflies in my tummy thinking how 2006 just went by so rapidly. Every moment awaken in my memory, pulling me in different dirrections, fierce, melancholy and at the same time happy. There were so many chances wasted because of silly nothings. Beginnings that eventually faded to nothingness though the diversion and excitement were worth the while.

“It’s all about taking risks! You can't have your guard up all the time!" Yeah, yeah, yeah. So I’ve been told. I’ve played this game before, you know. So don’t think I don’t get the point. I get it, alright but something or someone always gets in the way. Why would I go on a suicide mission armed only with uncertainty and possibly one-sided affection for him. Bottom line is, I have opened windows and collapsed walls surrounding me. I scuttled to the door to open it but he wasn’t the one standing there. See? Bummer, huh? A girl appreciates being put on a pedestal but it’s no fun just being up there with nothing but the air for company. Oh well, on to the next chapter...

Remember your first heartbreak? That sappy, love-sick song you heard on the radio was telling the truth. You would wonder why the world hasn't stopped revolving, how everything around you was still the same when you feel like absolute crap. Pathetic, i know, but that's the bitter reality.You swore to yourself that you would know better next time but do we ever really learn? You could have your guard up all the time and vow to only let it down when you are positively sure about this person but more often than not, history does repeat itself and you could end up right where you started. It's the choices that we make that change but the situations are mostly the same. It took me more than a year to get over the fact that he's never coming back. He will always be my friend, he is just an e-mail or phone call away but he is living in his own world now (miles away!) so get over it. I did...but it sure wasn't a cakewalk.

Grappled by the intensity of your smile,elated by your entrance and proximity. Reality dawns and my heart sinks,drowning me in the memory of your empty gaze. Am I not the biggest fool of all? Pretending…wishing silently.Ravaged by the blatant truth...ignorance could be sheer bliss...lies my only escape.

Alot of people commented that the movie was weird, not typical hollywood, blah blah blah. EXACTLY! It wouldn't be an M. Night Film if it were your typical suspense/horror slasher/gore-fest flick.I didn't get bored watching this movie and it's refreshing to see something original every once in a while. Even the cinematography had shyamalan's signature all over it. Visit http://www.mnight.com/lady_in_the_water to read more about the film and the writer-director. Your thoughts?

I want to erase you from my consciousness. To my utter frustration, you remain--stubborn as the stains from the coffee we once shared...pesky as your child-like mindtrip.

It was lovely to hear your voice again. It still never fails to soothe me whenever you sing for me--or that's what I want to think. Secretly I wished that the heartfelt words were for me, that I am the one that you loved. Somehow, somewhere I foolishly discerned that this was possible but after all this time I realized...I am just a fall back girl and nothing more.

Latte – mild enough to be comfy with though it could get boring that you need to add a little flavor to it and it doesn’t really keep me awake. Besides, I just hate waiting around for all that milk to steam. Caffe Americano – Strong, potent...I want more yet too much of it could make my heart palpitate with such vehemence. Just thinking about it jolts me back to my senses.

I can feel their eyes on me...watching my every move...ears keen on every bit of the conversation. The fat chick is glaring at me. Something in the way she is studying me from head to foot makes me want to rip out her eyes from their sockets and pull out her unkempt bleached hair from her head. The dude near the gutter is stealing glances. He's probably just passing time like the rest of us who are stuck in this brunchtime traffic. Jaw dropped...hanging on to the discussion I was having with my sibling. Like a spectator at a tennis match who doesn't really get it. I just wish that people would be more discreet when listening to other people's conversations. So this is how it feels to be under a microscope.

My soul longs for him in his absence Yet my heart, the worn-down shelter Remains the docile ally of My mind that mocks me. Scars from two transient seasons haunt me... Possess me with Such fierce recollection Each time I wander to the edge-- Hurling me back to my sedated realm. It turns out, there could be Beauty and Simplicity in oblivion.

Lately, my life has been a blur of a multitude of tasks at work. I'm kept partly sane by a 100 peso worth White Mocha Americano. Call me a caffeine junkie but there's nothing like warm coffee to soothe me and jolt me awake. If there's something else tangible in my life that keeps me from going over the edge, it's a person that I've relied on for emotional support. Unlike the potent coffee I crave for, this person will not give me heart trouble or disrupt my sleep. Or so I thought... Today, I am resisting the urge to take in my usual dose of caffeine for health and financial reasons. At the same time, I'm struggling to exist without him as he has chosen to desert me at a time that I'm needing clarity. Sleep has temporarily left me while he, perhaps, has chosen to answer my questions by allowing me to unravel the obvious on my own. I realized that coffee will never leave me. I have chosen to rid my system of it. I, in turn, have been neglected by this person I...