coffee stains

Coffee's appeal may be partly due to its bitter taste and not to mention its addictive aroma. Her bitterness, on the other hand, smells of nicotine and rot. It probably tastes just as horrendous. She eyes me deviously like a snake hiding treacherously in the sand. She aims to strike where I am most vulnerable. She asks no questions...unapologetic and shows no mercy. At this point, I feel like I have nothing much left to lose. I still have a few things up my sleeve. I refuse to play dirty but i know just how to level the field when i need to. I save my best tricks for last.

I was taken aback by the unexpected invite. I had a few minutes to rack my brain for a decision before the opportunity dissipated into the cold evening. The EDSA traffic bought me some time. My brain tried to weigh the consequences as i stared at the phone i gripped in my hand. A part of me wanted to indulge. A huge chunk of my being was fixated on what i seriously wanted versus what i needed at that moment. There were no certainties, no backing out. For some reason, at the back of my head, i was praying for a way out. A deep breath then i allowed fate to take the lead.

Wouldn’t it be great if we had a switch built-in so that we could turn off all of our emotions until we are certain that it’s safe to feel something? No more sense of hope when you meet someone interesting or simply breath-taking. No overwhelming excitement when there seems to be even an infinitesimal probability--a minute spark. Not a chance will you anticipate the other’s next move--perhaps too predictable yet vague after the seemingly consistent encounters. No more simulated expectations. Wouldn’t it just be grand if we didn’t need to go through emotional torment? But then how else could we feel alive when love seems to hurl us into a sedated realm. After previous mishaps, only pain lets you know that your heart has not yet turned to stone.

I do not want this chain to break. The very chain that heaved me up consistently, higher by the day, out of the murky puddle of woe that I was stuck in. Ironic how a chain could emancipate me yet bind me in its spell all at once. It did not take long for the masochist that used to stare back at me in the mirror to no longer have a hold on me. I did not even realize right away that I have taken a new path.   I am free.    

441 days flew by so quickly like the whole thing was merely a delusion...utter mirth now blurred by that pitiless illumination that roused me. I seem to have lost myself in the mirth that was muddled occasionally by despondencies that intensified little by little until I woke from my slumber.

As I clutched my 2nd cup of coffee in my hand, It dawned on me that the strong brew cannot rouse me from my jaded state. Neither can it fully wake me to face the merciless realization that I just stumbled upon. Once again, I am on my own, walking along the edge of waking and my sordid dreamscape. It doesn't hurt when I’m asleep but the same delusions still haunt me once in a while. Time has started to heal my wounded heart but the path to recovery is full of pitfalls and deceptive contraptions. This is just like playing a board game: one bad throw of the dice and I could stumble several steps back. If worse comes to worst, I could even end up in the beginning. Only one thing is acceptable at this point: I'll give it my best shot and play only to win .

I felt the intoxicating brew course through my system as the music pounded my eardrums. Everybody seemed to find the fist fight outside amusing. The crowd cheered and stood on their benches to get a good look at the troubled teens throwing futile punches at each other. How cliche, I thought, yet I was trying to wash away my own troubles with the sweet, strong potion. Drink, they said. Be merry! Enjoy the company of true friends and the amazing view in red, stealing glances. It made me think, but I had a momentary relapse. So what? My thoughts were preoccupied with one face that will subsequently haunt me no more. How long will this last? The excruciating feeling of acrid dismissal yanked my heartstrings then I snapped out of it.

A diversion...a temporary ploy to escape my pained existence. Distractions come and go, filling the gargantuan hole in my being but at the end of the day or the verge of consciousness, I could possibly still long for the things that are bad for me. The wound is still here. It hurts less by the day. Sure, I'm a fast healer and I know the void will eventually disappear but I am, for now muddling through--right here, right now.

"Relationships are like glass. Sometimes it's better to leave them broken than try to hurt yourself putting it back together." (Anonymous) I completely agree with this. Sometimes, we try too hard to make a relationship work and we only end up being bitter or frustrated in the end. Most of our efforts may not really be given due appreciation. Sometimes we point fingers in the end. Even a masochist should know when to let go. Sometimes we need to give ourselves a break, take a moment to stand back and look at things from a different perspective.

it's just like any injury, you feel numb at first but then the pain spreads slowly like venom. You wait in silence until you are completely consumed by it.

I’ve written numerous entries about unrequited love on my blog. Most of us have had our fair share of stories to tell about this subject. A cliché subject, yes, if what you have in mind is this typical scenario: A loves B but B loves C or simply doesn’t feel the same way. If you are not a masochist, you’ll probably feel bitter; go through the usual detox process and that's it! Not much harm done. Have you ever experienced unrequited love while in a relationship? If you have, you know that the pain seems embedded into your very core, incapacitating you to a certain degree. It is simply because you have invested so much emotionally and have gotten so used to having the other person around. You were so wrapped up in your made-up world to notice. Perhaps you didn’t see the telltale signs. Certain circumstances could’ve clouded your judgment or how you chose to react. It’s too late. The truth collides with your artificial universe, leaving you stupefied. It is rather horri...

No matter how many times your heart gets crushed by your significant other's harsh words or behavior, your heart gets mended, good as new, with a simple gesture of affection. Sadly, the magic only works when the feelings are real and go both ways. Otherwise, your heart stays broken, leaving you mutilated and bleeding.

I must be too transparent that I just blend into the background, forgotten. Too easy to read that I am unable to contain my feelings that should have been kept to myself. I give too much away, perhaps, that I am open to being taken for granted. I care too much, willing to succumb to whatever makes the person I love happy even if it means giving up my own--even when my beloved's happiness doesn't involve me.

If there's anything more painful than being loathed by anyone that matters to you, it is to be shown indifference. Actually, this is not being done to you by choice. The other person simply does not give a hoot, PERIOD. Hatred is a much more powerful emotion apart from love. Who cares if I still exist, if I'm waiting in vain, if I'm lying here sleepless or have fallen off the face off the planet? I DO--but that doesn't really take away my affliction now, does it?

Someone's status on FB once read "You love the most when you hurt the most". There is no better time than right now to acknowledge how true this quote is. Love can give us a natural high that no type of drug can bring about. But love can also be overwhelming to the point of being destructive . It can make a person falter to the ground, make us weep our eyes out no matter how tough we consider ourselves to be. Not loving enough can cause a person to be careless and take someone for granted. At the same time, people are terrified by the thought of loving someone too much that it makes them push the other person away. They say love is supposedly unconditional. Love can make you do crazy, unexpected things. As a matter of fact, it has made me do things that I would normally detest and wouldn't do for myself. I have taken humongous, life-altering risks and actually loved every moment of it! I guess when you're faced with this reality, your ultimate desire is not your...

As my feelings unravel and Evolve beyond my control I find myself walking on a tightrope Hoping that you would rid me of my uncertainties. I wish I could somehow peer into your heart's chambers To see for myself if I'm still there somewhere. You seem to be at a standstill While I seem to outdo myself more and more Being all naive and eager to believe That you feel enough if not as much as you used to.

In this modern day and age of story-telling, you can probably name several unexpected, extremely vague plot wrap-ups. I thought I’d seen it all but nothing could prepare for what collided with me this afternoon. The ending was brutal and twisted like having a dagger pierce through my very core, getting torn limb from limb, immobilizing me completely seemingly for good. But what was hard to swallow was that for the vague endings fed to us by Hollywood, there was at least something along the storyline that gave you an idea about the outcome…possibilities that made the story end that way. My story was nothing of this sort. I woke up from a good dream to a harsh reality with no clarity and nothing discernible to hold on to but the bitter stare of the person who once held me in my sleep and kissed me goodnight.

Wide-eyed, I sit in a room with two people yet I feel completely alone. I feel like a fool staring into the darkness. I waited for hours eventually drifting off with a mixture of exhaustion and anticipation. I awake only to swallow the bitter pill. The air reeks of alcohol and somehow i hope that I'm the one who is intoxicated at this moment...numb to any type of emotion or any physical feeling. There are times when the most minute thing could make you ponder on your worth to another.

Have you ever had that nagging feeling about someone that you just could not shake off? Guilt-stricken, you tried to rid your system of the negativity, attempted desperately to latch on to reason and keep your mind off the ghastly possibilities . What triggers your ruthless mind to play such images in your brain? Could it be from past exploits? Is it from seeing what appear to be subtle hints with no clarification or from pondering on the key players in the current setup that cause such thoughts to tease that disturbed head of yours? Little things...key players... are you just seriously paranoid or are these actually signals? Proceed with caution. As they say, when there's smoke there's fire.

There's a pang of jealousy that threatens to eliminate all reason at this moment. The sting is unlike anything I have dealt with in the past. It is a somewhat uncomfortable change. How does one compare to the person that your significant other used to be madly in-love with? The truth is, you simply don't. She will be, more often than not, the one that got away. Expect the occasional phantom jab in the rib or a brief yank at your heartstrings until the dust settles and everything becomes clear.