coffee stains

I felt the intoxicating brew course through my system as the music pounded my eardrums. Everybody seemed to find the fist fight outside amusing. The crowd cheered and stood on their benches to get a good look at the troubled teens throwing futile punches at each other. How cliche, I thought, yet I was trying to wash away my own troubles with the sweet, strong potion. Drink, they said. Be merry! Enjoy the company of true friends and the amazing view in red, stealing glances. It made me think, but I had a momentary relapse. So what? My thoughts were preoccupied with one face that will subsequently haunt me no more. How long will this last? The excruciating feeling of acrid dismissal yanked my heartstrings then I snapped out of it.

A diversion...a temporary ploy to escape my pained existence. Distractions come and go, filling the gargantuan hole in my being but at the end of the day or the verge of consciousness, I could possibly still long for the things that are bad for me. The wound is still here. It hurts less by the day. Sure, I'm a fast healer and I know the void will eventually disappear but I am, for now muddling through--right here, right now.

"Relationships are like glass. Sometimes it's better to leave them broken than try to hurt yourself putting it back together." (Anonymous) I completely agree with this. Sometimes, we try too hard to make a relationship work and we only end up being bitter or frustrated in the end. Most of our efforts may not really be given due appreciation. Sometimes we point fingers in the end. Even a masochist should know when to let go. Sometimes we need to give ourselves a break, take a moment to stand back and look at things from a different perspective.

it's just like any injury, you feel numb at first but then the pain spreads slowly like venom. You wait in silence until you are completely consumed by it.

I’ve written numerous entries about unrequited love on my blog. Most of us have had our fair share of stories to tell about this subject. A cliché subject, yes, if what you have in mind is this typical scenario: A loves B but B loves C or simply doesn’t feel the same way. If you are not a masochist, you’ll probably feel bitter; go through the usual detox process and that's it! Not much harm done. Have you ever experienced unrequited love while in a relationship? If you have, you know that the pain seems embedded into your very core, incapacitating you to a certain degree. It is simply because you have invested so much emotionally and have gotten so used to having the other person around. You were so wrapped up in your made-up world to notice. Perhaps you didn’t see the telltale signs. Certain circumstances could’ve clouded your judgment or how you chose to react. It’s too late. The truth collides with your artificial universe, leaving you stupefied. It is rather horri...

No matter how many times your heart gets crushed by your significant other's harsh words or behavior, your heart gets mended, good as new, with a simple gesture of affection. Sadly, the magic only works when the feelings are real and go both ways. Otherwise, your heart stays broken, leaving you mutilated and bleeding.

I must be too transparent that I just blend into the background, forgotten. Too easy to read that I am unable to contain my feelings that should have been kept to myself. I give too much away, perhaps, that I am open to being taken for granted. I care too much, willing to succumb to whatever makes the person I love happy even if it means giving up my own--even when my beloved's happiness doesn't involve me.

If there's anything more painful than being loathed by anyone that matters to you, it is to be shown indifference. Actually, this is not being done to you by choice. The other person simply does not give a hoot, PERIOD. Hatred is a much more powerful emotion apart from love. Who cares if I still exist, if I'm waiting in vain, if I'm lying here sleepless or have fallen off the face off the planet? I DO--but that doesn't really take away my affliction now, does it?

Someone's status on FB once read "You love the most when you hurt the most". There is no better time than right now to acknowledge how true this quote is. Love can give us a natural high that no type of drug can bring about. But love can also be overwhelming to the point of being destructive . It can make a person falter to the ground, make us weep our eyes out no matter how tough we consider ourselves to be. Not loving enough can cause a person to be careless and take someone for granted. At the same time, people are terrified by the thought of loving someone too much that it makes them push the other person away. They say love is supposedly unconditional. Love can make you do crazy, unexpected things. As a matter of fact, it has made me do things that I would normally detest and wouldn't do for myself. I have taken humongous, life-altering risks and actually loved every moment of it! I guess when you're faced with this reality, your ultimate desire is not your...

As my feelings unravel and Evolve beyond my control I find myself walking on a tightrope Hoping that you would rid me of my uncertainties. I wish I could somehow peer into your heart's chambers To see for myself if I'm still there somewhere. You seem to be at a standstill While I seem to outdo myself more and more Being all naive and eager to believe That you feel enough if not as much as you used to.

In this modern day and age of story-telling, you can probably name several unexpected, extremely vague plot wrap-ups. I thought I’d seen it all but nothing could prepare for what collided with me this afternoon. The ending was brutal and twisted like having a dagger pierce through my very core, getting torn limb from limb, immobilizing me completely seemingly for good. But what was hard to swallow was that for the vague endings fed to us by Hollywood, there was at least something along the storyline that gave you an idea about the outcome…possibilities that made the story end that way. My story was nothing of this sort. I woke up from a good dream to a harsh reality with no clarity and nothing discernible to hold on to but the bitter stare of the person who once held me in my sleep and kissed me goodnight.

Wide-eyed, I sit in a room with two people yet I feel completely alone. I feel like a fool staring into the darkness. I waited for hours eventually drifting off with a mixture of exhaustion and anticipation. I awake only to swallow the bitter pill. The air reeks of alcohol and somehow i hope that I'm the one who is intoxicated at this moment...numb to any type of emotion or any physical feeling. There are times when the most minute thing could make you ponder on your worth to another.

Have you ever had that nagging feeling about someone that you just could not shake off? Guilt-stricken, you tried to rid your system of the negativity, attempted desperately to latch on to reason and keep your mind off the ghastly possibilities . What triggers your ruthless mind to play such images in your brain? Could it be from past exploits? Is it from seeing what appear to be subtle hints with no clarification or from pondering on the key players in the current setup that cause such thoughts to tease that disturbed head of yours? Little things...key players... are you just seriously paranoid or are these actually signals? Proceed with caution. As they say, when there's smoke there's fire.

There's a pang of jealousy that threatens to eliminate all reason at this moment. The sting is unlike anything I have dealt with in the past. It is a somewhat uncomfortable change. How does one compare to the person that your significant other used to be madly in-love with? The truth is, you simply don't. She will be, more often than not, the one that got away. Expect the occasional phantom jab in the rib or a brief yank at your heartstrings until the dust settles and everything becomes clear.

There's a shadow looming over me. To think it's not even my own, it takes the same path as mine and mimics some of my moves. Its presence causes a heavy feeling of dread and anxiety in my chest. I feel a wave of insecurity wash over me and a discomforting hint of distrust. The feeling is fleeting yet, whatever it is, it turns out that my fear stems from the realization that the shadow is not upon me but i could possibly be dwelling in it.

For the last several chapters of my life, I've talked mostly about love unrequited, fear of taking risks and my sado-masochistic tendencies with the affairs of the heart. In this present chapter of my existence, i have turned over a new leaf. Not only did I take a huge risk, I have made a giant leap beyond my boundaries in my quest to discover myself and find mirth. Currently, with no holds barred, I went through the initial stages of attraction, gained new friendships and rediscovered a repressed persona that has been in a coma for as long as i could remember. How will this chapter unravel? I suppose it's up to the key players to play their parts well. We can only sit back and allow the story to unfold. And the plot thickens...

Do you honestly believe that love in its purest form is unconditional? Social status, color, gender...do these really matter? Would you go against the odds or turn a deaf ear to society's rantings just to be with the one ? A lot of people from different walks of life have opted to use their minds over their hearts simply because it was the most convenient way to go about the situation.

Rejection can feel like a slap in the face no matter how brutally frank or subtle a person puts it across. As painful as the truth may be, the ultimate end in mind will be for the greater good. It may be the remedy to the pointless sleeplessness or to ease the burden of not knowing where you fit in someone’s universe. If there’s nothing to expect, there’s no better time but NOW to face reality and put an end to your misery. You will undoubtedly be freed from your captor in no time. I say indifference is the worst thing you can ever get out of the situation. A person who does not give a f*ck does not have any concern for your feelings. Maybe he’s torn, maybe he does not know what to say or do. Do not dwell on the what-ifs. Do not expect him to have a change of heart. We are only as good as the choices we make. Just move right along and never look back.

The hole he has pierced into my heart isn’t really that big yet the wound is deep and has been fresh for quite some time now. At times he would seem so distant. I would feel as though we are drifting apart. The neglect temporary easing me of the sting of unrequited feelings. I never had the chance to make much of it until it was right in my face. I prefer not to learn the truth first hand. Now that I can taste it, I realize that this is one of those endings that make you wish you could rewrite the plot. Perhaps change the characters and make the ending more agreeable. We never really get to redo our life's stories so we just learn to deal with the outcome of our actions. We get calloused and tend to think we will know better next time. Oh, really now?

Somebody had the weirdest notion that letting him know how i feel would liberate me from the bondage i have set upon myself. That seeing with own eyes that he would remain unmoved will give me the closure that i desired. Instead, I find myself exposed like a gaping wound, more vulnerable than ever. i got my answer--indifference is a thousandfold worse than feelings reciprocated or even rejection.