coffee stains

Half truths, half efforts--these could be enough to string anyone along. Fueled by that miniscule hope that those pangs of jealousy or disappointments that you did not have any right to feel will be worth it one day. Some of us have to learn the truth the hard way

Circumstances and more pressing priorities always get in the way. We tend to neglect people we care about, sometimes, even ourselves. When things don't go according to plan or get too chickenshit to go after our heart's desire, we try to stay optimistic and shrug it off for another time but a next time isn’t always guaranteed.

If there are worse things than unrequited affections, indifference is surely one of them. Regardless of the motivations behind a person's actions, you'd expect the slightest bit of regard for your feelings if you mattered at all. Your propensity for overthinking could've been useful. Clearly you didn't think about it well enough before exerting so much time and effort. You've spent countless hours wondering where you stood in that person's life. You've been asking the universe for a sign yet didn't expect it to hit you square in the face without warning. 

More often than not, we only have ourselves to blame for our aches and sorrows. When things don't go the way we want them to, we might say that we'll know better next time. We put walls around us but tend to break our own rules for someone. Rejection and disappointment hurt like heck but why do we often end up throwing caution to the wind, willing to go through all of it again in the hopes that things will turn out differently? It's not wrong to keep the faith. There could be times when even reason tells us that there's got to be more to what is being let on. There could be moments when you might just be reading too much into the situation. Perhaps it's only human to yearn for our efforts to be reciprocated but it's only wise to never assume that you're not delusional unless it's explicitly confirmed. It's our accountability to keep our emotions in check and know when to pull back. 

Reality could dawn on you like the the first rays of light peeking over the horizon. A gradual reveal taking its time to unravel. Oftentimes, it hits you like an icy beverage thrown unexpectedly in your face. Either way, they could both yield the same brutal outcome--you're jolted back to your senses once and for all. Harsh realizations could pain you for weeks, months, maybe even longer. On the bright side, that achy feeling in your chest and the knots that form in your stomach when you try to make sense of the circumstances will eventually fade away. 

I thought I'd seen the worst kind of self-destructive behavior. I suppose meeting new people always has its share of life lessons and surprises. No matter how many times we remind ourselves that first impressions and appearances can be deceiving, finding out the truth about a person that you thought you knew well could throw you off completely. 

Life is like a classic game of choose your own adventure wherein every choice we make gives us a different outcome. We could try alternative paths to achieve an alternative ending. Unfortunately, undoing something in the real world is not as easy as shuffling pages and starting over is not at all a luxury.

Coffee's appeal may be partly due to its bitter taste and not to mention its addictive aroma. Her bitterness, on the other hand, smells of nicotine and rot. It probably tastes just as horrendous. She eyes me deviously like a snake hiding treacherously in the sand. She aims to strike where I am most vulnerable. She asks no questions...unapologetic and shows no mercy. At this point, I feel like I have nothing much left to lose. I still have a few things up my sleeve. I refuse to play dirty but i know just how to level the field when i need to. I save my best tricks for last.

I was taken aback by the unexpected invite. I had a few minutes to rack my brain for a decision before the opportunity dissipated into the cold evening. The EDSA traffic bought me some time. My brain tried to weigh the consequences as i stared at the phone i gripped in my hand. A part of me wanted to indulge. A huge chunk of my being was fixated on what i seriously wanted versus what i needed at that moment. There were no certainties, no backing out. For some reason, at the back of my head, i was praying for a way out. A deep breath then i allowed fate to take the lead.

Wouldn’t it be great if we had a switch built-in so that we could turn off all of our emotions until we are certain that it’s safe to feel something? No more sense of hope when you meet someone interesting or simply breath-taking. No overwhelming excitement when there seems to be even an infinitesimal probability--a minute spark. Not a chance will you anticipate the other’s next move--perhaps too predictable yet vague after the seemingly consistent encounters. No more simulated expectations. Wouldn’t it just be grand if we didn’t need to go through emotional torment? But then how else could we feel alive when love seems to hurl us into a sedated realm. After previous mishaps, only pain lets you know that your heart has not yet turned to stone.

I do not want this chain to break. The very chain that heaved me up consistently, higher by the day, out of the murky puddle of woe that I was stuck in. Ironic how a chain could emancipate me yet bind me in its spell all at once. It did not take long for the masochist that used to stare back at me in the mirror to no longer have a hold on me. I did not even realize right away that I have taken a new path.   I am free.    

441 days flew by so quickly like the whole thing was merely a delusion...utter mirth now blurred by that pitiless illumination that roused me. I seem to have lost myself in the mirth that was muddled occasionally by despondencies that intensified little by little until I woke from my slumber.

As I clutched my 2nd cup of coffee in my hand, It dawned on me that the strong brew cannot rouse me from my jaded state. Neither can it fully wake me to face the merciless realization that I just stumbled upon. Once again, I am on my own, walking along the edge of waking and my sordid dreamscape. It doesn't hurt when I’m asleep but the same delusions still haunt me once in a while. Time has started to heal my wounded heart but the path to recovery is full of pitfalls and deceptive contraptions. This is just like playing a board game: one bad throw of the dice and I could stumble several steps back. If worse comes to worst, I could even end up in the beginning. Only one thing is acceptable at this point: I'll give it my best shot and play only to win .

I felt the intoxicating brew course through my system as the music pounded my eardrums. Everybody seemed to find the fist fight outside amusing. The crowd cheered and stood on their benches to get a good look at the troubled teens throwing futile punches at each other. How cliche, I thought, yet I was trying to wash away my own troubles with the sweet, strong potion. Drink, they said. Be merry! Enjoy the company of true friends and the amazing view in red, stealing glances. It made me think, but I had a momentary relapse. So what? My thoughts were preoccupied with one face that will subsequently haunt me no more. How long will this last? The excruciating feeling of acrid dismissal yanked my heartstrings then I snapped out of it.

A diversion...a temporary ploy to escape my pained existence. Distractions come and go, filling the gargantuan hole in my being but at the end of the day or the verge of consciousness, I could possibly still long for the things that are bad for me. The wound is still here. It hurts less by the day. Sure, I'm a fast healer and I know the void will eventually disappear but I am, for now muddling through--right here, right now.

"Relationships are like glass. Sometimes it's better to leave them broken than try to hurt yourself putting it back together." (Anonymous) I completely agree with this. Sometimes, we try too hard to make a relationship work and we only end up being bitter or frustrated in the end. Most of our efforts may not really be given due appreciation. Sometimes we point fingers in the end. Even a masochist should know when to let go. Sometimes we need to give ourselves a break, take a moment to stand back and look at things from a different perspective.

it's just like any injury, you feel numb at first but then the pain spreads slowly like venom. You wait in silence until you are completely consumed by it.

I’ve written numerous entries about unrequited love on my blog. Most of us have had our fair share of stories to tell about this subject. A cliché subject, yes, if what you have in mind is this typical scenario: A loves B but B loves C or simply doesn’t feel the same way. If you are not a masochist, you’ll probably feel bitter; go through the usual detox process and that's it! Not much harm done. Have you ever experienced unrequited love while in a relationship? If you have, you know that the pain seems embedded into your very core, incapacitating you to a certain degree. It is simply because you have invested so much emotionally and have gotten so used to having the other person around. You were so wrapped up in your made-up world to notice. Perhaps you didn’t see the telltale signs. Certain circumstances could’ve clouded your judgment or how you chose to react. It’s too late. The truth collides with your artificial universe, leaving you stupefied. It is rather horri...

No matter how many times your heart gets crushed by your significant other's harsh words or behavior, your heart gets mended, good as new, with a simple gesture of affection. Sadly, the magic only works when the feelings are real and go both ways. Otherwise, your heart stays broken, leaving you mutilated and bleeding.

I must be too transparent that I just blend into the background, forgotten. Too easy to read that I am unable to contain my feelings that should have been kept to myself. I give too much away, perhaps, that I am open to being taken for granted. I care too much, willing to succumb to whatever makes the person I love happy even if it means giving up my own--even when my beloved's happiness doesn't involve me.